THE ADDAMS FAMILY Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld Written by Larry Wilson and Caroline Thompson Rewritten by Paul Rudnick Scene 1. _Addams Mansion_ Scene 2. _Titles_ Scene 3. _Fester's Room_ GOMEZ Think of it, Thing. For twenty-five years we've attempted to contact Fester in the great beyond. And for twenty-five years, nothing. I'm beginning to think my brother truly is lost. Scene 4. _Attic_ WEDNESDAY Don't be a baby, I know what I'm doing. Scene 5. _Stairs_ Scene 6. _Gomez and Morticia's Bedroom_ GOMEZ Look at her -- I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way -- what bliss. Unhappy, darling? MORTICIA Oh, yes. Yes, completely. Gomez... the sun... il me perce comme un poignard. GOMEZ Oh, Tish... that's French! MORTICIA Oui. GOMEZ Cara mia! En garde monsieur soleil! MORTICIA Gomez? GOMEZ Querida? MORTICIA Last night, you were... unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again. Scene 7. _Entrance Hall_ WEDNESDAY Thank you, Lurch. Scene 8. _Balcony Outside_ JUDGE WOMACK Damn you, Addams! GOMEZ Sorry about the window, Judge! Keep the ball! I have a whole bucketful. JUDGE WOMACK You moron! Scene 9. _The Conservatory_ GOMEZ It's a milestone, Tish. This very night -- our twenty-fifth seance. All those years, gnawed by guilt, undone by woe, burning with uncertainty... MORTICIA Don't torture yourself Gomez. That's my job. GOMEZ Oh, Tish... MORTICIA Imagine, darling, if Fester did come back. Half-alive, barely human, a rotting shell... GOMEZ Don't tease... Scene 10. _Just Outside the Addams'~ Grounds_ TULLY Stop it! I'm warning you! Scene 11. _The Conservatory_ MORTICIA Look darling, Tully is here. GOMEZ Ha! Tully. MORTICIA Romping with Gate. Scene 12. _Gate_ MARGARET These are your last paying clients, may I remind you! TULLY If it gives you pleasure... MARGARET Something has to. Like a decent coat -- something dressy, for evening. Ask for a loan. Beg. TULLY No loans! I am not a bum. Don't say it. I'll get the money. I have a plan. MARGARET This is all so humiliating. Why did I marry you? TULLY Because I said yes. Scene 13. _Portrait Gallery_ MARGARET I'm here to see Mrs.~ Addams. About the charity auction. TULLY Stop it! Let go! Scene 14. _Gomez's Study_ GOMEZ Ah, missed. TULLY What's that?! GOMEZ Dirty pool, old man! I like it! TULLY Had enough? GOMEZ Ha! Where's my pen? Never mind, I'll take yours. First, the old business! Scene 15. _Attic_ GRANNY Charity auction, it's ridiculous. MORTICIA Perhaps it's in here. GRANNY I don't think so... MORTICIA Uncle Niknak's winter wardrobe... Uncle Niknak's summer wardrobe... Uncle Niknak... Scene 16. _Gomez's Study_ GOMEZ `The Fester Addams Off-Shore Retirement Fund?' What would it do? TULLY What wouldn't it do? GOMEZ Fester -- all tribute to thee. Some called him inhumanly evil. TULLY No! GOMEZ Only our parents. I called him -- brother. TULLY And his memory must live on, forever. Through money. I'm going to deposit the funds under my name, for tax purposes. GOMEZ That's inspired! TULLY He would have wanted it that way. Beloved Fester. GOMEZ Indeed! For Fester! TULLY For Fester! A brother! GOMEZ My brother! TULLY One of a kind! GOMEZ The doctors all said! TULLY Kind to animals! So good with children! GOMEZ They never proved anything. TULLY One million dollars is the perfect amount. GOMEZ It's brilliant! TULLY It's untraceable! GOMEZ But, Tully, it's not old business. It's going to have to wait. You know the rules better than that. TULLY What? But this is different! This is in my name! Make an exception! GOMEZ Old business is old business and new business is new business and this is new business and we do not discuss new business until... next quarter! TULLY Next quarter. Next quarter!? GOMEZ Fine lunge, but your riposte -- a tad rusty. Make yourself comfortable, old man, while I get the money for the monthly expenses. Scene 17. _Den_ Scene 18. _Attic_ MORTICIA There it is. Just what we've been searching for. Thank you, Thing. MARGARET My God, what is it? MORTICIA A finger trap from the court of Emperor Wu. MARGARET It must be worth a fortune. Oh, Morticia, this is too extravagant! Even for the auction! GRANNY Let's keep it. MORTICIA Hush Mama -- it's for charity. Widows and orphans. We need more of them. Margaret... MARGARET Mmm? MORTICIA About the seance -- tonight. I wish you'd come? It's Gomez, I'm terribly worried about him. He won't eat, he can't sleep, keeps coughing up blood... MARGARET He coughs up blood? MORTICIA Not like he used to... Scene 19. _Den_ GOMEZ Down, kitty! Scene 20. _Gomez's Study_ GOMEZ There -- the monthly expenses. Scene 21. _Tully's Law Office_ TULLY Miss Bradbury... Miss Bradbury! ABIGAIL She's gone home, Mr.~ Alford. TULLY Ah, Mrs.~ Craven, I was just about to call you. ABIGAIL I'm certain you were. You haven't met my son Gordon, have you, Mr.~ Alford? TULLY Hello. GORDON Is this the one, Mother? The deadbeat you mentioned? TULLY No, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on! You have to listen to me! ABIGAIL Do we, Mr.~ Alford? And why? TULLY Please... Hear me out... Hear me out... Please... Please! Ah! GORDON Your call, mother. ABIGAIL Gordon and I enjoy a very special relationship. GORDON She's a pip. ABIGAIL Refreshing, no? Down, Gordon. GORDON Mother... ABIGAIL Gordon. TULLY Gordon! ABIGAIL We've lent you a considerable sum. Many thousands of dollars. Payment due. TULLY I don't have the money to repay you... I've tried everything... ABIGAIL Oh, Gordon -- I want to believe him... GORDON So do I... ABIGAIL Make me proud. TULLY No, no, no, no, no. GORDON He lied to us, Mother. TULLY No, no, it's not what you think! Those are doubloons! For the Addams account! ABIGAIL Addams? TULLY There's more, there's a fortune, but nobody can get to it! Don't you think I've tried? ABIGAIL Have you? Have you tried hard enough? Ask him, sweetheart. TULLY No, no, no, sweetheart! Don't ask! Fester...? Scene 22. _Den_ GOMEZ It's a miserable night. MORTICIA I know, darling. Seance weather. Children, we're starting! Put down that antenna! Scene 23. _Motel Room_ ABIGAIL It's unbelievable. This hideous creature, and my little boy. TULLY They could be twins. GORDON If they're his family, what makes you think they'll fall for it? TULLY You shave your head, we dress you up. No problem. They'll think he's Fester, the long lost brother. ABIGAIL I hope so, Mr.~ Alford, for your sake. TULLY Hey, I have been the Addams lawyer for years. They're morons. ABIGAIL Obviously. Now what about the gold? TULLY They got this vault, somewhere... GORDON Where!? TULLY I'm not sure. GORDON That's a problem, isn't it? TULLY Listen. Fester's been missing for twenty-five years. He and Gomez had some sort of a fight, and Gomez feels incredibly guilty about it. He'll tell you anything, just ask. It's foolproof. ABIGAIL It has better be. Now get out. TULLY It's going to be great. You're going to get back all the money I owe you, and more. You'll see. Really. GORDON This is it, mother. The one we've been waiting for. ABIGAIL No more loansharking. No more store-front scams. GORDON I get the gold, and we're gone. ABIGAIL And Tully takes the rap. Gordon, it's brilliant. GORDON No. Not Gordon. ABIGAIL Of course not. GORDON Fester! Scene 24. _Entryway_ TULLY Big night for you guys, eh, small fry. MARGARET Hello, sweetheart. Could you? Oh... Thank God. MORTICIA Welcome, honored guests. Entrails? Scene 25. _Den_ MORTICIA Sing, O spirits! Harken, all souls! Every year on this date, we offer a clarion call to Fester Addams. WEDNESDAY Stop it! GOMEZ Pugsley... Kids. MORTICIA From generations, to generation, our beacon to the beyond. All close eyes and join hands. GRANNY Ow! What a grip! Ow! My hand! Oh, my hand! She's got my hand! MARGARET Excuse me... TULLY Okay Pumpkin. Sit down. Join the fun. MORTICIA Mama, you should know better. Thing -- you're a handful. Wednesday... WEDNESDAY `Let us ransom you from the power of the grave. Tonight, O Death, Let us be your plague.' MORTICIA Mama... GRANNY Fester Addams, ceoli couris, ferimani bo... I feel that he's near. Fester Addams, gather your strength and knock three times. Did you hear that?! MORTICIA Ask again, Mama. Quick. TULLY By all means! GOMEZ Ask! Ask! GRANNY Fester Addams -- I demand that you knock again! GOMEZ He's at the door! Scene 26. _Entryway/Front Stoop_ MORTICIA Could it be? GRANNY Is it him? TULLY Is it possible? MARGARET Oh my God... GOMEZ Fester! FESTER Gomez! ABIGAIL Gut evenink. I am Dr.~ Pinder-Schloss. Scene 27. _Drawing Room_ ABIGAIL He vas found in Miami, tangled in a tuna net! It vas just last month, during ze Hurricane Helga. Ze sky, it vas black like pitch. Ze vaves, zay vere valls of doom. Can you imagine? Zey drag him from ze ocean, from ze very jaws of oblivion. I'm tellink you! Zere were tests, so many tests, a complete psychological profile. At long last, ze Florida Department of ze Fish unt ze Game, ze say, low unt beholdt, oh my oh my oh my, go tell it on ze mountains -- he is... your bruzzer! Boom! Zey gif him to me, at Human Services, and I am bringink him, after all zese years, after who knows vat heartache, after ze naked unt ze dead, I am bringink him home to you! MARGARET That's preposterous. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? GOMEZ It certainly is. TULLY Ah. GOMEZ And now you're back. TULLY Yes back, back to share your joys, your sorrows, hey -- everything! MARGARET Well, I just don't know... TULLY How does this work again? MARGARET An infant would understand... MORTICIA Fester Addams -- home at long last. FESTER Well, at least... for a week. MORTICIA A week? GOMEZ Don't be ridiculous! You're home! FESTER Sorry, but I have to get back. Got a lot of things cooking -- in the Bermuda Triangle. MORTICIA Oh, Gomez. The Bermuda Triangle. GOMEZ Devil's Island... MORTICIA The Black Hole of Calcutta. GOMEZ Excuse us. MORTICIA Second honeymoon. Dr.~ Pinder-Schloss, will you be staying with us too? ABIGAIL No, no, I must be goink, but I vill be back, you can bet. To be checkink on Fester's adjustment. PUGSLEY Cool. WEDNESDAY Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle. Not even for a vacation. Everyone knows that. ABIGAIL Oh, my little vun. Zere is zo much you do not understandt. Ze human spirit, that is a hard tink to kill. GRANNY Even with a chainsaw. Scene 28. _Fester's Room_ MORTICIA Unpacking. Let me. FESTER It's all right... I can do it... MORTICIA Crowbar... Dynamite... Cyanide... Fester. As if we'd run out. Good night. FESTER Nosy little brat... Who's there? Scene 29. _Morticia and Gomez's Bedroom_ GOMEZ My own dear brother. I've got goosebumps. MORTICIA I know. GOMEZ Screams in the night. It can only mean one thing. MORTICIA He's home. Scene 30. _Fester's Room_ GOMEZ Breakfast? Damn, it's good to have you back! Let's go! Two out of three? Scene 31. _Kitchen_ GRANNY Home cooking! There's nothing like it in the world. WEDNESDAY May I have the salt? MORTICIA What do we say? WEDNESDAY Now. FESTER What is this? MORTICIA Mama's specialit de la maison. GOMEZ Oh, Tish! GRANNY Start with the eyes. MORTICIA Did you sleep well? FESTER Like the dead. GOMEZ Really? Who would have thought the Bermuda Triangle could change a man so much? You used to toss and turn all night. We had to chain you to the bedposts. WEDNESDAY It doesn't make sense. FESTER The Bermuda Triangle is a very strange and mysterious place. You'd be surprised at all the things you don't know. MORTICIA She certainly would. Wednesday adores the Bermuda Triangle. She studies it. Death at sea -- she's hooked. WEDNESDAY Ask me anything. FESTER Being in my old room sure brings back memories. Remember Camp Custer? GOMEZ For pre-teen offenders? FESTER Aren't memories precious? Today I'd like to wander through the house, remembering. GOMEZ No, no, no. Sorry, old man -- no wandering today. Today we're going straight to the vault. Bravo, Pugsley! Scene 32. _Den_ GOMEZ AND FESTER `Greed.' Scene 33. _The Secret Chamber_ GOMEZ I feel like -- we're children again. Tag -- you're it! Scene 34. _Underground River_ GOMEZ Smell that air, Fester! Like a tomb! Tutti a bordo, fratello mio! The sea -- your second home. FESTER Ship ahoy... Scene 35. _Attic_ PUGSLEY Do you think that's really Uncle Fester? WEDNESDAY Father says so, but I think Mother isn't sure. WEDNESDAY Pugsley, sit in the chair. PUGSLEY Why? WEDNESDAY So we can play a game. PUGSLEY What game? WEDNESDAY It's called... `Is there a God?' Scene 36. _Entrance to the Vault_ FESTER It's the vault... GOMEZ Two to the right, ten to the left, and then around to...? FESTER Five? GOMEZ Eleven. Two, ten, eleven. Eyes, fingers, toes. So many years... Scene 37. _The Vault_ GOMEZ Welcome back! FESTER Thanks. GOMEZ Our secret place. Sanctus sanctorum. If these walls could speak, eh, old man? FESTER What... what would they say? GOMEZ You tell me. FESTER You go first. GOMEZ Senior partner... FESTER Junior spaceman. GOMEZ First a brandy! Do the honors. I got a real treat in store. FESTER Where is it, you ridiculous imbecile... GOMEZ Aha! Showtime! Here! The debutante ball! Remember that fateful night? FESTER Of course... Your first cigar... GOMEZ What? Come on, old man, I've smoked since I was five. Mother insisted. FESTER Flora and Fauna. Quite the pair, eh, Gomez? GOMEZ Can you ever forgive me? FESTER What? GOMEZ I didn't love them. Yet, I wooed them both, out of foolish pride. You were so dashing, you could have any woman you wanted, dead or alive. I was jealous, insanely jealous. I admit that now. But I did not mean to drive you off, not to the Bermuda Triangle. FESTER Water under the bridge. Forgiven. Forgotten. GOMEZ Come on, say it! Say the secret password! FESTER The password? GOMEZ Come on, stop fooling, you remember... FESTER Please... I'm choking... please... GOMEZ You forgot our secret password? The word we used a hundred times a day? Our special private name for each other? FESTER That was a long time ago, when we were children... you almost killed me, you demented freak... GOMEZ Good devil, what did they do to you in that Bermuda Triangle. Scene 38. _Attic_ PUGSLEY But if he's not Uncle Fester, then who is he? WEDNESDAY Somebody else. It has to warm up. PUGSLEY Why? WEDNESDAY So it can kill you. PUGSLEY I knew that. MORTICIA Children -- what are you doing? WEDNESDAY I'm going to electrocute him. MORTICIA But we're late for the charity auction. WEDNESDAY But mother... MORTICIA I said no. PUGSLEY Please... MORTICIA Oh... all right. Scene 39. _Bayshore Women's Club_ JUDGE WOMACK This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and fifteen emerald chips. It was donated by Morticia and Gomez Addams. Remember, this year over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled. I'll open the bidding at five thousand dollars. GOMEZ Five...? Not good enough! Twenty thousand! MARGARET What are they doing? JUDGE WOMACK I have twenty -- GOMEZ Twenty-five! Cara mia... JUDGE WOMACK Twenty-five -- MORTICIA Thirty... Mon sauvage... GOMEZ Thirty-five! Eres divina! MORTICIA Hm! Fifty! JUDGE WOMACK I have fifty thousand dollars... MORTICIA Your turn, my ecstacy. JUDGE WOMACK Fifty thousand going once... Fifty thousand going twice... Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty thousand dollars! Scene 40. _Duesenberg_ MORTICIA Isn't it too enchanting? FESTER How do you take it off? MORTICIA There's a trick to it. Of course. Scene 41. _Dining Room_ GOMEZ `How do you take it off?' That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday! Scene 42. _Pugley's Room_ MORTICIA Oh, no. PUGSLEY Father's playing with his trains. Scene 43. _Dining Room_ GOMEZ He wore that finger trap for two years! Mother had to teach him how to eat with his feet! And the combination, and the password, and my cigar -- and he slept so well! Scene 44. _Pugley's Room_ PUGSLEY He's using the diesel... Scene 45. _Fester's Room_ Scene 46. _Pugley's Room_ WEDNESDAY The covered bridge... MORTICIA Dead Man's Curve... Scene 47. _Kitchen_ Scene 48. _Library_ Scene 49. _Lurch's Bedroom_ Scene 50. _The Secret Chamber_ Scene 51. _Pugley's Room_ WEDNESDAY It's all about Uncle Fester. Isn't it? Scene 52. _Dining Room_ GOMEZ Spirits above me -- give me a sign! Shall I be joyous? Or shall I be damned? Scene 53. _Back of the House/The Cemetery_ MORTICIA Sleepless night? Walk with me, Fester. Aunt Laborgia -- executed by a firing squad. Cousin Fledge -- torn limb from limb by four wild horses. And darling Uncle Eimar... Buried alive. Psychopaths, fiends, mad-dog killers -- roots, Fester. Pioneers. Lest we forget. Your beloved Muerto. After you left, he was simply a different vulture. He wouldn't circle. He wouldn't peck. That's how much you mean to this family. Mother and Father Addams... How I wish the children could have known them better. But tell that to an angry mob. And our credo `Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc.' `We gladly feast on those who would subdue us.' Not just pretty words. As an Addams, you understand completely, don't you? FESTER As an Addams, yes, I do. MORTICIA Good night, Fester. Rest in peace. Scene 54. _Hallway_ FESTER They're on to me, Mother! I'm almost sure!... Of course, I've tried, I still can't find it... you've got to get over here. Don't say that... You know I do... Scene 55. _Kitchen_ MORTICIA His trains are everywhere, the children are besides themselves. Is that for your brother? I don't think so. This can't go on. How can I help him? Tell me, Mama. GRANNY Troubled husbands... adultery... MORTICIA Oh, no. GRANNY Financial, money troubles... MORTICIA No. GRANNY Turned into a toad or reptile... MORTICIA Is there an index? Scene 56. _Fester's Bedroom_ FESTER They know I'm a fraud! The whole bunch! It's not going to work! ABIGAIL Who knows? Gomez, that over-heated moron? FESTER He's no moron! He's Fester's brother, they had some awful fight, years ago. He's suspicious, they all are, I can tell. ABIGAIL Really? Thank God I came over here. I will counsel the troubled family. Ease their distress. It's my calling. Remember, Gordon... FESTER What? ABIGAIL I'm a doctor. Scene 57. _Drawing Room_ MORTICIA Why don't you speak to Fester, darling? He's right outside the door. GOMEZ I would speak with Fester... -- if that were Fester, but that is not! That's an impostor! An impostore! A phony! A sham! A conterfeit! Scene 58. _Upstairs Hallway_ WEDNESDAY O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! PUGSLEY Who calls me a villain? Breaks my pate across? FESTER Bloodshed! PUGSLEY Plucks off my beard and blows it in my face? WEDNESDAY If I must strike you dead, I will! FESTER No! No, no, no, no! Gimme that sword. Haven't you ever slaughtered anybody? WEDNESDAY He's only a child. FESTER No excuse. Aim for a major artery. The jugular. Scene 59. _Drawing Room_ GOMEZ ... A faker! A phony! An utter fraud! A base, deceitful -- ABIGAIL Mr.~ Addams, I beleef I am understandink. I can help. Jais? Ze theory of displacement -- is zis familiar? GOMEZ No. Tish? ABIGAIL Oh! It is too exciting. I vill explain. GOMEZ Is it unpleasant? ABIGAIL Deeply. Your very own bruzzer -- you drive him avay. Go! Off viz you! But zen -- you are feelink ze little black monster. GOMEZ Pugsley? ABIGAIL Guilt. Jais! Your bruzzer returns, you feel guilty -- you displace. GOMEZ I do? ABIGAIL Ze feelinks in your brain cells, ze bubble and collide. You suspect tinks. You luff him, but you resent him. Luff, hate, hate, luff. Like for Mama, no? GOMEZ But I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident. ABIGAIL It is a very common psychosis. I am seeink it every day. MORTICIA Lucky doctor. GOMEZ Displacement! How bizarre... and here, I thought Fester was the problem. He's sullen... MORTICIA He's furtive... GOMEZ Backstabbing... MORTICIA He sulks... GOMEZ I suspect him... MORTICIA You're unbalanced... GOMEZ And I hate him... By God, you're right! He is Fester! MORTICIA Thank you, Dr.~ Pinder-Schloss. ABIGAIL I do vat I can. Scene 60. _Wednesday's Room_ FESTER You see, children? There's a lot to learn. Gangrene. PUGSLEY Uncle Fester, how do you know so much? FESTER I've been around. I picked things up. WEDNESDAY In the Bermuda Triangle? FESTER Look, children -- a new chapter! FESTER, PUGSLEY AND WEDNESDAY Scabs. Scene 61. _Outside_ FESTER Three parts dynamite, with a nitroglycerin cap. It's perfect for small homes, carports and toolsheds. Scene 62. _Fester's Room_ FESTER Mother. ABIGAIL Everyone will be at the children's play tonight, correct? FESTER Oh, yes. I've been working with them. It's going to be fun! ABIGAIL Fun? Is that what we're here for? Fun? Oh darling, forgive me! You see what they've driven me to? I've raised a hand to my child, my reason for living. You can't go to the play. FESTER But... the kids... ABIGAIL The house will be deserted! The vault will be ours! FESTER But, mother... ABIGAIL Can you hear it, my treasure? My heartbeat? It beats only for you. Listen closely -- it says, `Gordon, I love you... Gordon, the vault...' FESTER I do hear it... ABIGAIL Soon we'll have the money, and we'll be far from here... Loving mother, grateful son... Understood? Scene 63. _Roof_ GOMEZ Ah! There you are! At last! What a fool I was to doubt you! Dr.~ Pinder-Schloss explained everything. What a lovely woman -- so chilly. Displacement -- it's a common psychosis. Isn't that grand? FESTER Is it? GOMEZ Look at it, Fester. The primeval ooze. Quicksand. Fumes. Toxic waste. It's all ours, Fester. You belong here, old man. Stay. FESTER You don't know what you're asking. You have a beautiful wife. Wonderful children. A wasteland. I'm in the way. GOMEZ In the way? My brother? FESTER Gomez, take care. For you -- life is all fun and games. A dance in a graveyard. Stench and decay. But things change. GOMEZ Precisely -- you're back! All those years apart, Fester. We can't do that again. You're home. Fore! JUDGE WOMACK Damn you, Addams! Scene 64. _Fester's Room_ PUGSLEY Uncle Fester. Come on, Uncle Fester. Come to the play. FESTER I said I was busy! WEDNESDAY But you said you'd help us. With the Shakespeare. And the pus. FESTER I changed my mind! Scene 65. _School Auditorium Lobby_ SUSAN Mrs.~ Addams? Can I see you for a moment? I'm Susan Firkins, I'm Wednesday's teacher. MORTICIA Oh, of course. Ms.~ Furkins -- Wednesday's told us so much about you. Scene 66. _Fester's Room_ Scene 67. _School Auditorium Lobby_ SUSAN Wednesday is an excellent student, but frankly, I'm concerned. You see, this is our class bulletin board. This month our theme is `Our Heroes', people we love and admire. You see, Susan Ringo has chosen the President. Isn't that sweet? And Harmony Feld has picked Jane Pauley. MORTICIA Have you spoken to her parents? SUSAN But Wednesday brought in this picture -- `Calpurnia Addams.' MORTICIA Wednesday's Great Aunt Calpurnia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They say she danced naked in the town square, and enslaved a minister. SUSAN Really? MORTICIA Oh, yes. Don't worry. We've told Wednesday -- college first. Scene 68. _School Auditorium Lobby_ MARGARET Isn't he adorable? I made this myself. MORTICIA It's charming. What is he -- a lizard? MARGARET An elf. Look at you -- that's better. You are too precious for words. Why, I could just eat you alive! MORTICIA Oh no, Margaret. Too young. Scene 69. _Variety Show Stage_ Scene 70. _Backstage_ FESTER Wednesday, Pugsley... I changed my mind. WEDNESDAY Uncle Fester. Scene 71. _Addams Mansion_ ABIGAIL Gordon... Gordon... It's Mother... Dammit, where is he! I never should have used him! Scene 72. _Auditorium_ GOMEZ I knew you couldn't stay away, old man. Scene 73. _Addams Mansion_ ABIGAIL Dammit. Gordon. Gordon. Are you there? Gordon. Oh. Oh. Oh my. Scene 74. _Variety Show Stage_ WEDNESDAY How all occasions do inform against me, and spur my dull revenge! O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or be nothing worth! If I must strike you dead, I will! PUGSLEY A hit, a very palpable hit. WEDNESDAY O proud death! What feast is toward in thine eternal cell? Sweet oblivion, open your arms. GOMEZ Bravo! MORTICIA Bravo! GOMEZ Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Scene 75. _Wednesday's Bedroom_ FESTER ... there were sailors and pirates, and an airplane full of tourists from Miami Beach. All lost in the triangle. WEDNESDAY Uncle Fester, will you take me there someday? FESTER It's a promise. Goodnight, Wednesday. WEDNESDAY Goodnight. FESTER You were terrific. WEDNESDAY Uncle Fester? Scene 76. _Cemetery_ MORTICIA A theatrical triumph... It's like a dream. When we first met, it was an evening much like this. Magic in the air. A boy... GOMEZ A girl... MORTICIA An open grave... It was my first funeral. GOMEZ You were so beautiful -- pale, and mysterious. No one even looked at the corpse. MORTICIA Your cousin, Balthazar. You were still a suspect. I couldn't stop staring at you, all during the eulogy. Your eyes. Your moustache. Your laugh. GOMEZ You bewitched me. I proposed that very night. MORTICIA Just think -- someday we'll be buried here. Side by side, six feet under. In matching coffins. Our lifeless bodies, rotting together, for all eternity. GOMEZ Ah, cara mia! MORTICIA Mon sauvage! Scene 77. _Conservatory_ ABIGAIL Hey, bigfoot. Don't stare, just get me out. Scene 78. _Kitchen_ PUGSLEY Did you like the blood? FESTER I was so proud. MORTICIA Weren't we all. Wednesday, play with your food. Mama? GRANNY Who put this in here? That's for company! GOMEZ Rascals. Doctor! You were so right! What an evening! MORTICIA Fester fit right in. GOMEZ The displacement is over! ABIGAIL Vell, isn't zat nice. WEDNESDAY Does he really have to go. ABIGAIL Jais, he does. GOMEZ Well, if he insists upon leaving, we shall mark the occasion. Tish? MORTICIA We've planned a farewell party. GOMEZ We've invited the entire clan. ABIGAIL Vat a luffly gesture. MORTICIA We're a family again. And we owe it all to you, Dr.~ Pinder-Schloss. ABIGAIL Please -- Greta. MORTICIA Greta. ABIGAIL Fester -- valk me out. Scene 79. _Front Walk_ FESTER I'm fine, Mother. I'm completely in control. ABIGAIL They're not your family, Gordon. I am. They don't love you. I do. They're evil and corrupt and degraded. I can give you that. FESTER I'm fine. Really. ABIGAIL We'll see. Open up. Scene 80. _Ballroom_ GOMEZ Tish -- how long has it been since we've waltzed? MORTICIA Oh, Gomez... hours. Scene 81. _Ballroom_ Scene 82. _Addams Mansion_ COUSIN IT Gibber, ooot, ooot. Scene 83. _Ballroom_ GOMEZ It, old man! COUSIN IT Bleep gibber, ooot, ooot. MORTICIA You're right. Far too long. COUSIN IT Ooot gibber bleep. MARGARET Don't let me out of your sight... TULLY Don't threaten me... MARGARET These people are abnormal. TULLY Don't exaggerate. COUSIN IT Oot, ooot, ooot. TULLY Oh, by all means. They're clients, Margaret. MORTICIA Wednesday? WEDNESDAY Yes, Mother? MORTICIA Could you run upstairs and check on your uncle please? Why, Lumpy Addams. Look at you. All grown up. Scene 84. _Fester's Room_ WEDNESDAY Uncle Fester? FESTER Yes mother, I understand. ABIGAIL I hope so, Gordon. I'm counting on you. Don't let me down. Don't buckle. FESTER It's not going to be easy. There are people everywhere. ABIGAIL You can do it, if you just stop whining. Nobody likes that, it's unattractive. FESTER All right, fine. I will try and reach the vault tonight. But if I can't, well... Then that's it. Okay, Mother? WEDNESDAY I knew it! You are a fake! ABIGAIL Come here, my little vun. FESTER Wednesday! ABIGAIL Get her! Scene 85. _Wednesday's Room_ Scene 86. _Graveyard_ Scene 87. _Ballroom_ GOMEZ Flora and Fauna Amor! I cannot see! I'm blinded by such beauty! FLORA Gomez Addams... FAUNA ... you terrible flirt... FLORA ... always was... FAUNA ... at least with me... FLORA Copycat! FAUNA Tag-along! MORTICIA Why, Gomez. The Amor twins. I've heard so much about you. FLORA Morticia! FAUNA ... you nabbed him, this darling man... FLORA ... he was mine... FAUNA ... he was mine... MORTICIA Flora, Fauna, how can I compete? You're twice the woman I am. GOMEZ Tully, the Amor twins. They're waiting for Fester. Amuse them. FLORA Hello, Tully... TULLY Oh my God... Scene 88. _Ballroom_ COUSIN IT Ooot gibber bleep. Scene 89. _Ballroom_ FAUNA You mean you don't know? It's too intriguing. Now that Fester's back, he's the king of the castle again, isn't he? FLORA Fester's the older brother. So he gets it all. The house, the money -- you name it. FAUNA Fester's still single, isn't he? FLORA Are you, Mr.~ Alford? TULLY Why, Fauna... FAUNA I'm Fauna! FLORA I'm Flora! TULLY I'm flattered. Excuse me, ladies? Scene 90. _Fester's Bedroom_ FESTER I can't find her anywhere. Let's just leave -- out the back. ABIGAIL Now pull yourself together. She'll turn up -- the little cockroach. You get to the party -- or they'll suspect something. I'll be down soon. FESTER Yes, mother. Scene 91. _Ballroom_ MORTICIA Everyone. Your attention please. Tonight we dance for our treasured guest of honor, Fester Addams. GOMEZ The Mamushka! Taught to us by our Cossack cousins, the Mamushka has been an Addams family tradition since God-knows-when... We danced the Mamushka while Nero fiddled! We danced the Mamushka at Waterloo! We danced the Mamushka for Jack the Ripper, and now, Fester Addams, this Mamushka is for you! Scene 92. _Front Hall_ ABIGAIL Where are you going? There's trouble. TULLY Hey -- not to worry. Plan B. ABIGAIL But that hideous little girl... TULLY I'm in charge. Ten minutes -- I'll be back. Scene 93. _Ballroom_ Scene 94. _Judge Womack's Home_ JUDGE WOMACK What the hell's going on over there? TULLY How would you like to be rid of the Addamses for good? I'm serious. JUDGE WOMACK What can I do for you? TULLY You are going to love this. Scene 95. _A Remote Corner of the Ballroom_ MARGARET We've been married for almost twenty years... sometimes it seems like more... COUSIN IT Ooot oot blipper. MARGARET Well, people grow, people change... COUSIN IT Glibber gleep gleep. MARGARET Isn't it a beautiful night? Scene 96. _Addams Mansion_ FLORA You'll come see me before you leave, won't you, Fester? FAUNA I'll call, once I'm alone. FESTER There's your ride, girls! MARGARET You're a marvelous dancer. It's been such fun. COUSIN IT Ooot ooot gibber. MARGARET I can't. We musn't. COUSIN IT Glibber gleep gleep. MARGARET Call me? Scene 97. _Fester's Room_ ABIGAIL Gordon? Gordon! Stop it! Gordon! Stop it! This instant! ABIGAIL Gordon, is that... lipstick? All over your face? FESTER From the twins! The beauteous Amor twins! ABIGAIL The twins? Gordon, I don't understand this. Let me get this clear. Have youbeen having a good time? FESTER Yes, I have! It was marvelous -- I sang up a storm! And I danced 'till I dropped! The Mamushka! The Mamushka! Mother? ABIGAIL Mother? Mother? Who is that? I don't think I recall. FESTER Mother, please... ABIGAIL I'm just fine. I'm dandy. Don't concern yourself with me, Gordon. Please, return to your depraved orgy. Sometimes I think you're not even my son. FESTER Don't say that! ABIGAIL I'm just your mother. You only owe me your entire existence on this planet. Please, Gordon, by all means -- go, sing, dance, date. FESTER Oh mother, I'm so terribly sorry... It was just a party. It's over. It means nothing. The Siamese twins, the hunchback, cousin It, they're not you. ABIGAIL Say it, Gordon. Make me believe it. FESTER I love you. And I want money. ABIGAIL We've got to find Tully. Scene 98. _Ballroom_ MORTICIA My little boy. GOMEZ All tuckered out. MORTICIA He's so sweet. He looks just like a little entree. PUGSLEY Where's the party? MORTICIA It's over, darling -- have you seen your sister? PUGSLEY Not since before the Mamushka. MORTICIA Gomez? Scene 99. _Addams Yard_ GOMEZ Fan out. Pugsley -- head for the dung heap. Mama and Morticia -- the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss. Lurch -- check out the bottomless pit. Fester! FESTER Up here. GOMEZ Fester! You take the ravine! And the unmarked, abandoned well! FESTER Somebody should stay behind -- in case she comes back. GOMEZ Good man! Good thinking! GRANNY Then who'll take the swamp? GOMEZ That's the spirit, Thing -- lend a hand! Let's go! Scene 100. _Wednesday's Room_ ABIGAIL Gordon! Don't dawdle. Scene 101. _Den_ ABIGAIL What are you doing? TULLY Relaxing. Taking a little sun. ABIGAIL Have you gone mad? TULLY Au contraire. Scene 102. _Various places_ Scene 103. _Cemetery_ Scene 104. _Gate_ GOMEZ What is all this? TULLY This is a restraining order. GOMEZ A restraining order? TULLY Yes. It requires you to keep a distance of one thousand yards from this house. GOMEZ I am restrained -- from my own house!? TULLY Not your house, moustache! Not any more! It belongs to the oldest living descendant, the elder brother -- Fester Addams! MORTICIA Fester adores Gomez! TULLY Oh, no. He's afraid of him. Seeing the twins brought it all back. You're bitter rivals, Gomez. GOMEZ I demand to speak with Fester. TULLY Sorry -- no can do. He's very hurt -- just leave. WEDNESDAY But he isn't even Uncle Fester. GOMEZ Have no fear -- justice shall prevail. The courts will decide! They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Well, with God as my witness -- I am that fool! Scene 105. _Courtroom_ JUDGE WOMACK Therefore, it is with no small amount of personal satisfaction that I declare Fester Addams legal executor of the Addams estate and rightful owner of all possessions and properties contained herein, with one exception. Gomez Addams... I believe these are yours. Scene 106. _Addams Mansion_ Scene 107. _Addams Mansion -- Midway to the Vault_ Scene 108. _Addams Yard_ ABIGAIL You're doing this on purpose. FESTER That's right mother, isn't this fun. TULLY I'll raise you back. Scene 109. _Bungalow_ MORTICIA Yes, we are forced from our home. Yes, we've been betrayed by those we trusted. But we are Addamses, and we will not submit. Who recalls the fable of the tortoise and the hare? The swift, yet lazy little cottontail, and his slow but determined companion? What does that story teach us? GRANNY Kill the hare. Skin it. Boil it. WEDNESDAY Put the tortoise on the highway. PUGSLEY During rush hour. MORTICIA Yes! We will survive! Poison us, strangle us, break our bones -- we will come back for more. And why? GRANNY Because we like it! PUGSLEY Because we're Addamses! GOMEZ We're Addamses... Scene 110. _Sidewalk in Front of the Wampun Court_ PUGSLEY Here, Lurch. On the house. Scene 111. _Employment Agency_ PERSONNEL OFFICER We have so many homemakers re-entering the work force -- your domestic skills can be very valuable. College? MORTICIA Private tutors. PERSONNEL OFFICER Major? MORTICIA Spells and Hexes. PERSONNEL OFFICER Liberal Arts. What about your husband? Is he currently employed? MORTICIA He's going through a bad patch at the moment. But it's not his fault. PERSONNEL OFFICER Of course not. What is he -- A loafer? A hopeless layabout? A shiftless dreamer? MORTICIA Not anymore. Scene 112. _Wampun Court_ GIRL SCOUT Is this made from real lemons? WEDNESDAY Yes. GIRL SCOUT I only like all-natural foods and beverages. Organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons? PUGSLEY Yes. GIRL SCOUT Well... I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup, if you buy a box of my delicious girl scout cookies. Do we have a deal? WEDNESDAY Are they made from real girl scouts? Scene 113. _Daycare Center_ MORTICIA ... and so the witch lured Hansel and Gretel into the candy house, by promising them more sweets. And she told them to look in the oven, and she was about to push them in, when, lo and behold, Hansel pushed the poor, defenseless witch into the oven instead. Where she was burned alive, writhing in agony. Now, boys and girls, what do you think that feels like? Scene 114. _Office Delivery_ Scene 115. _Wampun Bungalow_ GRANNY Here kitty, kitty, kitty... SALLY Welcome to the show. Voodoo witch doctors, do they really exist, or is this just tabloid hooey? We'd love you to call in with your comments. Scene 116. _Addams Mansion Dining Room_ ABIGAIL After lunch, we'll try again. FESTER Yes, Mother. ABIGAIL We'll find the money. Meanwhile, we have this little nest. Quiet and cozy. Without that dreadful family. FESTER Yes, Mother. Scene 117. _Wampun Bungalow_ SALLY So you claim that your son was brainwashed by Voodoo witch doctors, and forced to recruit others. Let's take a call. GOMEZ Hello Sally. GERALDO Mr.~ Addams, please stop calling. We do not know where they meet. Let's take another call. MORTICIA Gomez, why don't we go for a drive. The whole family. GOMEZ A drive? And miss `Gilligan'? GRANNY Dinner's going to be late. Here, boy. Here, boy. Scene 118. _Addams Mansion_ ABIGAIL Gordon? Gordon! Scene 119. _Bungalow_ Scene 120. _Wampun_ Scene 121. _Addams Mansion_ MORTICIA I would like to speak with Fester, please. Scene 122. _Study_ MORTICIA You are a desperate woman, consumed by greed and bitterness. We could have been such friends. ABIGAIL Gordon -- let's get started. FESTER But, Mother... ABIGAIL Stop stalling! FESTER I'm not stalling! Stop badgering me! ABIGAIL The vault, Mrs.~ Addams -- any thoughts? MORTICIA None whatsoever. ABIGAIL Tully, take over! Tighten it! TULLY But I've got this stomach when I torture... ABIGAIL Do it! Again! Tighter! MORTICIA You've done this before. Scene 123. _Intersection at the Foot of the Addams Hill_ Scene 124. _Bungalow_ GOMEZ Who is it? We're paid through Thursday. Morticia... Morticia... Morticia, what? Slow down! It's terrible when you stutter! Morticia in danger... stop! Send help at once... stop! Scene 125. _Gomez's Study_ FESTER You can't! Not with red-hot pokers! TULLY Is this gonna smell? MORTICIA Tully Alford -- charlatan. Deadbeat. Parasite. How Gomez adored you. TULLY Well, not enough. FESTER Morticia, please... MORTICIA Dear Fester. Which is the real you -- the loathsome, underhanded monster you've become? Or the loathsome, underhanded monster we came to love? Scene 126. _Addams Mansion_ Scene 127. _Gomez's Study_ MORTICIA I know what you're feeling, Fester... ABIGAIL Gordon! Gordon, I have a thought. Just a notion, top of my head. Tell me what you think. Since you and Mrs.~ Addams are so very close... Be my guest. Addams! GOMEZ Cara mia! MORTICIA Mon cher! Darling, take care! GOMEZ Dirty pool, old man. Never again! One for you, Tully, and now... One for me! TULLY Gomez... I'm on retainer. ABIGAIL Let him up! That's right! Now get moving -- Addams. Take him to the vault. And if you're not back in one hour... I displace her. GOMEZ Tish -- seeing you like this. My blood boils. MORTICIA As does mine. GOMEZ This wheel of pain... MORTICIA Our wheel. GOMEZ To live without you -- only that would be torture. MORTICIA A day alone -- only that would be death. ABIGAIL Knock it off! The vault, Addams -- right now! FESTER But, Mother. Can't we... ABIGAIL Can it, Gordon! Stop dragging your feet! You disgust me -- you're nothing but a useless, snivelling baby! A stone around my neck! What was I thinking -- I should have left you where I found you! FESTER No tricks, Gomez! That's the wrong book! Allow me... GOMEZ [whispers] Good show, old man... TULLY Put that book down, Gordon! You don't know what it can do! It's not just literature! FESTER Oh, really? MORTICIA Quickly, my darling! TULLY I'm your friend -- think of the doubloons! FESTER They're not yours, Tully! Back off! GOMEZ Leather straps, red-hot pokers... MORTICIA Later, my dearest. ABIGAIL Keep the book closed, Gordon -- listen to mother! FESTER I'll never listen to you -- never ever again! ABIGAIL I had to be strict with you -- because I cared! Put it down! FESTER You never really loved me! GOMEZ Fester, this way! ABIGAIL Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man! FESTER You are a terrible mother! There, I said it! Scene 128. _Library_ Scene 129. _Graveyard_ PUGSLEY Are they dead? WEDNESDAY Does it matter? Scene 130. _Addams Mansion_ CHILDREN Trick or... PUGSLEY Here we come! GOMEZ Pugsley, old man! MORTICIA Why, look at you. PUGSLEY How do you like it? FESTER Well, what can I say? He's going to break hearts. MARGARET Trick or treat! COUSIN IT Ooot oot glibber. MORTICIA Hello, Margaret. Cousin It -- I almost didn't recognize you. MARGARET Isn't he handsome? Everyone keeps asking where he bought his costume. GOMEZ It is a wonderful hat. COUSIN IT Ooot oot blipper. MARGARET And what are you, darling? Where's your costume? WEDNESDAY This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac. They look just like everyone else. Scene 131. _Dining Room_ FESTER I'm so glad I can spend this night with my family. Now that I've got my memory back. GRANNY Thank God for that lightning. Knocked some sense into you. COUSIN IT Ooot glibber glip. GOMEZ You remember, old man -- Dr.~ Pinder-Schloss really did find Fester tangled in a tuna net, twenty-five years ago. With amnesia. WEDNESDAY From the Bermuda Triangle. COUSIN IT Ooot oot oot. MORTICIA How true. Stranger things have happened. PUGSLEY Please, Uncle Fester? GOMEZ Pugsley... PUGSLEY For the picture? GOMEZ All right, everybody -- time for a game! What shall it be -- bobbing for apples? MARGARET Charades? COUSIN IT Bleep gibber, ooot, ooot. MORTICIA Of course -- `Wake The Dead.' FESTER `Wake The Dead'! GOMEZ `Wake The Dead'! Out to the cemetery! Come on, everyone! MARGARET I've never played this before -- how does it go? GRANNY Did you bring a shovel? PUGSLEY Uncle Fester, will you be on my team? WEDNESDAY No, mine! FESTER I tell you what -- we'll give you a head start. Three skulls and a pelvis -- how's that? My own dear brother. Come on! MORTICIA We'll catch up. Scene 132. _Graveyard_ PUGSLEY Wake The Dead! Wake The Dead! WEDNESDAY Uncle Atlas, wake up! PUGSLEY Come on, aunt Laborgia. Wake up! FESTER No, oh no, children, start the dead, that's half the fun. Scene 133. _Front Hall_ GOMEZ Oh, Tish -- what more could we ask? MORTICIA Gomez? GOMEZ Cara mia... is it true? MORTICIA Oui, mon amour... Scene 134. _Graveyard_ PUGSLEY Wake up, Uncle Eimar, it's halloween! FESTER Children, look, Grand-aunt Lapidia. She was beheaded by her own children! PUGSLEY AND WEDNESDAY Yeah! Scene 135. _Front Hall_ Scene 136. _Addams Mansion_ Scene 137. _Credits_